Relinquish, Rest, & Remember

I’ve been fighting addressing my feelings for a while. There is so much pain in them that I just haven’t wanted to go there. But today I decided to try. After reading some in Acts, I opened up my Jesus Today book. The book mark was on page 46. It started with the statement “I am Sovereign, and I am Good.”  I am ashamed to say that my first reaction was “Really God?  I used to think so, but lately I am not so sure.” I want to think that, so I keep reading. It talked about because God is sovereign, He is ultimately in control of everything that happens. I believe this but I still question the why for so many things. Why would you allow those innocent troops to die this week in Afghanistan?  Why would you allow so much disaster with flooding in our country this week?  Why would you allow what seems to be so much evil to be in control of our country and to be changing so much? Why are you allowing innocent people to die from Covid namely my precious Dad?  Why God?  It is not a hard thing to think that only a cruel God could be overseeing a world like this. 

I am struggling. Big time. But the prayer in my book said, “When you are struggling with these mysteries, come to Me. Express yourself freely to Me, trusting that I care and understand.”  So, I did that. I openly expressed to God what was on my heart. It is the part about Him caring that I can’t quite recognize right now. I’ve always thought it before but since what happened with Dad, I am questioning God’s care. 

The part in the prayer that really hit me was when it said “subordinate your finite mind to My infinite intelligence and sovereign ways. Relinquish your demand to understand, and rest in My compassionate Presence.” So I looked up what subordinate means. It means to “treat or regard as of lesser importance than something else.”  I’ve got to lower my thoughts and lift His up basically. Why is that so hard to do? Especially since I want to heal. Because I’ve trusted before and was just so let down when God didn’t heal Dad. So let down. Devastated. I want to trust again. I do. But I am scared.  

But what is faith?  I’ve always thought I had it. Relinquishing my demand to understand is basically, faith. I’ve got to focus on trying to do that—even though it is hard and scary. I don’t like not being in control. I’ve got to let go of that expectation that I have to know why God allowed this to happen. Maybe I just need to rest in His compassionate presence first??  How do I know He is compassionate?  Well, I just have to remember that He allowed his Son to die for me. He watched him go through a brutal death because he wanted to give me the opportunity to have life, forgiveness, comfort. 

God, forgive me. Please help me as I try to relinquish and rest in you. It isn’t easy. I have so many emotions that I am fighting. Help me to feel your goodness again. Help me to remember who I know you to be. 

Words

Obituaries.  I have read too many lately and even helped write one.  What are they really?  to me, they are just a few words that attempt to put a whole life on paper.  Some can be worded so well, so eloquent, so funny and interesting.  But they can never seem to do the person real justice.  You can't sum up a whole life in a few words--at least not with any real sufficiency.  I'm tired of reading obituaries.  Now, I know that there probably aren't really any more now than usual, but I guess since Dad I am just more sensitive to them.  I truly hurt for the families that have had to write them because I know how hard it is and all the emotions one experiences while doing it.

When I think about writing about Dad, I get overwhelmed.  How can words adequately describe and express my feelings about him and what happened?  I know I am still processing it.  How well, I'm not too sure.  I feel like I am doing worse now than I was right after.  I'm struggling to pray.  I think that is what is getting to me so much right now.  Prayer didn't help Dad to get better.  I don't understand why.  I find myself really thinking, what is the point?  The guilt and shame of that statement just about shuts me down.  I've always been so faithful (or in my head I feel like I have).  I feel so disappointed in God.  And that makes me feel bad too.  Help me, God, for I am so hurt.  I don't know what to do with these feelings.  I want to write them down, but I am very overwhelmed by them.

Dad always loved me to write.  He loved reading my blog.  He told me multiple times that I should write a book.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but I do want to write about life.  I love the 42 page letter that Dad wrote me in college because it was all about his life.  We had writing in common I guess.  I started this new blog back in October 2018 because I believe that the little moments are what make up a big life.  I know Dad would have been so excited to read my thoughts.  I wrote two posts but never shared them with anyone.  I just wasn't ready yet.  Oh how I wish I had shared them with Dad.  Oh how I wish he could read my blog now.  

So, I am going to dedicate this little place where I put my thoughts into words to you, Daddy.  I know you would have loved to read them.