Relinquish, Rest, & Remember

I’ve been fighting addressing my feelings for a while. There is so much pain in them that I just haven’t wanted to go there. But today I decided to try. After reading some in Acts, I opened up my Jesus Today book. The book mark was on page 46. It started with the statement “I am Sovereign, and I am Good.”  I am ashamed to say that my first reaction was “Really God?  I used to think so, but lately I am not so sure.” I want to think that, so I keep reading. It talked about because God is sovereign, He is ultimately in control of everything that happens. I believe this but I still question the why for so many things. Why would you allow those innocent troops to die this week in Afghanistan?  Why would you allow so much disaster with flooding in our country this week?  Why would you allow what seems to be so much evil to be in control of our country and to be changing so much? Why are you allowing innocent people to die from Covid namely my precious Dad?  Why God?  It is not a hard thing to think that only a cruel God could be overseeing a world like this. 

I am struggling. Big time. But the prayer in my book said, “When you are struggling with these mysteries, come to Me. Express yourself freely to Me, trusting that I care and understand.”  So, I did that. I openly expressed to God what was on my heart. It is the part about Him caring that I can’t quite recognize right now. I’ve always thought it before but since what happened with Dad, I am questioning God’s care. 

The part in the prayer that really hit me was when it said “subordinate your finite mind to My infinite intelligence and sovereign ways. Relinquish your demand to understand, and rest in My compassionate Presence.” So I looked up what subordinate means. It means to “treat or regard as of lesser importance than something else.”  I’ve got to lower my thoughts and lift His up basically. Why is that so hard to do? Especially since I want to heal. Because I’ve trusted before and was just so let down when God didn’t heal Dad. So let down. Devastated. I want to trust again. I do. But I am scared.  

But what is faith?  I’ve always thought I had it. Relinquishing my demand to understand is basically, faith. I’ve got to focus on trying to do that—even though it is hard and scary. I don’t like not being in control. I’ve got to let go of that expectation that I have to know why God allowed this to happen. Maybe I just need to rest in His compassionate presence first??  How do I know He is compassionate?  Well, I just have to remember that He allowed his Son to die for me. He watched him go through a brutal death because he wanted to give me the opportunity to have life, forgiveness, comfort. 

God, forgive me. Please help me as I try to relinquish and rest in you. It isn’t easy. I have so many emotions that I am fighting. Help me to feel your goodness again. Help me to remember who I know you to be.