Words

Obituaries.  I have read too many lately and even helped write one.  What are they really?  to me, they are just a few words that attempt to put a whole life on paper.  Some can be worded so well, so eloquent, so funny and interesting.  But they can never seem to do the person real justice.  You can't sum up a whole life in a few words--at least not with any real sufficiency.  I'm tired of reading obituaries.  Now, I know that there probably aren't really any more now than usual, but I guess since Dad I am just more sensitive to them.  I truly hurt for the families that have had to write them because I know how hard it is and all the emotions one experiences while doing it.

When I think about writing about Dad, I get overwhelmed.  How can words adequately describe and express my feelings about him and what happened?  I know I am still processing it.  How well, I'm not too sure.  I feel like I am doing worse now than I was right after.  I'm struggling to pray.  I think that is what is getting to me so much right now.  Prayer didn't help Dad to get better.  I don't understand why.  I find myself really thinking, what is the point?  The guilt and shame of that statement just about shuts me down.  I've always been so faithful (or in my head I feel like I have).  I feel so disappointed in God.  And that makes me feel bad too.  Help me, God, for I am so hurt.  I don't know what to do with these feelings.  I want to write them down, but I am very overwhelmed by them.

Dad always loved me to write.  He loved reading my blog.  He told me multiple times that I should write a book.  I don't know if that will ever happen, but I do want to write about life.  I love the 42 page letter that Dad wrote me in college because it was all about his life.  We had writing in common I guess.  I started this new blog back in October 2018 because I believe that the little moments are what make up a big life.  I know Dad would have been so excited to read my thoughts.  I wrote two posts but never shared them with anyone.  I just wasn't ready yet.  Oh how I wish I had shared them with Dad.  Oh how I wish he could read my blog now.  

So, I am going to dedicate this little place where I put my thoughts into words to you, Daddy.  I know you would have loved to read them.